Alright, it’s been about a month since I last wrote..
Everything is so strange, I feel inhuman and alone at most times. My friendships feel one sided and I feel used up as a piece of entertainment or someone to vent to. I’m not sure if most of the people I consider friends truly know or care about me past what they want out of me.
Here’s the scoop on Dolores by the way.
Things started off good, they really did. He has a boyfriend now, which I really am happy for him. Except that his boyfriend is point blank a piece of shit, and he’s too obedient and blind-sighted to do anything about it despite constantly complaining. We talked a lot, and even called and watched Brokeback Mountain together and played some games. But now as of recent I don’t know how to feel. Our timezones are drastically different, so I understand him not having much time to talk, but it’s gone past that. Messages don’t come till it’s 3 am his time, and they are short. “Sorry was talking with my boyfriend, I’m going to sleep now.” When we do talk, it’s him complaining about his boyfriend being a dick or some odd thing.
I am not sure if he cares about me much. Sure he does to an extent, but I don’t flirt and I’m not a needy dog who needs to rely on him. It makes me sad. When we called I had so much fun, but after the phone call ends it’s back to feeling like I am only his therapist or a piece of entertainment that he talks to Only when his boyfriend isn’t providing.
I have another friend too, one who worries greatly and uses me to virtually be his therapist. Why can’t people respect me? I offer advice and a shoulder to lean on once, and then that becomes the only thing I’m good for.
My other friend who I may have mentioned in here before, we are just drifting more and more each day. I hardly know her now.
I don’t know what to do, nor what I feel, if anything. I feel like static. But I still love Kim very much, with my whole heart.
Today was crazy. Rough.
TLDR; 100 days with Kim! Car battery is dead. Dolores is back.
100 days with Kim, I love him so much. Also, yes, Dolores is back. In a strange fit I messaged him. He replied. Things are well. I feel strange, it's all so weird. And my car battery died, twice. I think I need a new battery.
Things collapse in on themselves sometimes.
It's been maybe 2 years since I last went to therapy. I'm actually doing pretty good, better than I was at the time, but things are just kind of hard. I do good for decent periods of time, but then something happens and it all falls in on itself.
I feel strange.
School is hard. Math, specifically.
WOW. LIFE IS CRAZY.
I'm listening to Greenhouse. "They Found A Complexity In Me And It Cared So Deeply". Antimuro.
I'm something. This is something. Shiny green plastic leaves and the shine of an ID. The glimmer they used to put over military ones. My mind is great. Everyone around me is sick. I'm sick. I fear that I listen to music too much, and it's going to kill the airpods I've had for too long. 4 years I think. I'm surprised they still run, especially since I have never properly cleaned them. I had icecream and tea for dinner. I don't eat enough. Not because I want to starve or anything edgy like that. I just don't feel the need to eat sometimes. I think it has something to do with my medicine. I know it's an appetite supressant. Anyways, I feel hungry, but the idea of eating something makes me feel nauseaus. So I don't eat, or if I do it's a small bite of something. This isn't great, and I know that. I'm shaky and I get headaches, but hey, it's fine.
I got the oil changed on my car today. My dad built a fence. My step mother is in the hospital. My father will have to leave again soon. I feel melancholic and strange. The brain is a beautiful place.
I've had another dream about Dolores. It was fairly rough.
I forgot most of it, but it entailed talking with him again and it was all so bittersweet. I don't even know where to begin.
Still, I do not do much during my days. My father returned after 2 months being gone in another state a few days ago. He was there taking care of his mom who was having some health complications. Soon he will have to leave again, but not for as long. I helped him put up a fence today. Tomorrow I have to pick up some clothes from the dry cleaner and go to the store. Life continues on as normal.
Well, it’s been a bit since I wrote a blog. Let’s go through what has happened.
Quite frankly, not much has happened at all. Days are pretty mundane, and the weather is grey more often than not. I have been having dreams about my own version of Dolores though. If you don’t know, Dolores is the personification of Harry Du Bois ex-wife thing that he has dreams about. Her real name is Dora, but she presents herself in his dreams as the deity Dolores Dei. I have dreams like these with my own “Dolores.” The dreams kind of suck, because they are always bittersweet. I can never get too close to Dolores, we are always at an arms length away. And there’s always this understanding that I can never go back, what’s done is done. I always wake up feeling strange, and always slightly yearning for the past.
But I know I can’t go back, and that’s okay. I firmly believe that if I had actually known Dolores in person, we would have worked out and I wouldn’t have been so majorly romance-fucked. Well, maybe. Who knows. I’ll never truly know, because even with real in person romantic encounters I still get all weird and aroace-y about them.
I spend most of my days doing nothing, other than replaying Red Dead Redemption2. When autumn and winter hits I seek comfort in that game. I love riding my horse around the map. Her name is “Salvation”, and she’s a white arabian. I don’t really like the arabian horses that much, but she’s technically the best horse in the game, so I suck it up. Plus my panther trail saddle goes very well with her coat. I keep looking for a horse that either suits Harry or Kim, but I play story mode, and there aren’t as many horse options available in story mode.
My favourite area in RDR2 is Roanoke Ridge. I always hear that people find the area incredibly unnerving and creepy, which I also agree with to an extent, but the ambience in that area is the most beautiful to me. It doesn’t unnerve me, it just evokes really raw and bittersweet emotions. When the morning fog rolls in around those parts, its so so so beautiful.
Happy 9/11. Today was strange.
I woke up multiple times in the night with horrible pains in my abdomen. I don’t know what caused it or anything, but it went away shortly after I got up. I woke up at 5 am. I went on a walk around 8 am to this marsh place I really like. The weather is grey again and it’s hitting the seasonal depression buttons very hard, but I try and romanticize it. After the walk I went to the store.
It all felt weird, being up and around that early on a “school day”. At the store I got a donut and ingredients for dinner, and I got a twix bar flavoured coffee. It was too sweet so I added different regular coffees to it. Not really a great idea to consume that much caffeine, but I did. I just feel shaky and spaced out, like I’m not really there. It also made me pretty sleepy.
Time seems to be going by pretty fast today, but in a weird weird weird way. It all feels weird.
Summer is over, and with that comes responsibilities. I can't lay in bed all day anymore (for better and for worse) and I have things that need to get done.
Most days I have to get up at 6 am or earlier, which is much earlier than the times I would wake up during the summer. (1-2 pm was the average I'd say.) Kim and Harry wake up at 6:50 and 7:30. I'm getting up earlier than these detectives do.
How do you cope with seasonal depression? It comes every year, seemingly earlier than the last. Just a week into September already, and I feel sluggish and down.
The past two nights I've had bittersweet dreams about someone I was once close to. I wake up feeling weird after them.
I'm listening to Smallest Church in Sussex right now. I feel like I need to lay down and sleep, but I just can't.
I've inserted past entries to my blog below, since this is a new website. The old one is still up, I guess I'll keep it for archival purposes.
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My back really aches and I'm not sure what to write right now.
I'll write more when I get home.
Despite the bleak appearance of my site, I really do like colours. This blog is "pale reflective."
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I'm home. It's midnight. I have fixed up the code here more and I need to rest. Infact, I got so sidetracked I haven't even gotten ready for bed yet.
It's 2:02 AM right now. I'm laying in bed waiting for my medicine to kick in so I can begin to feel sleepy. I thought about what it means to be alone, and how I feel about it.
I'm frequently alone. I talk to people on the internet all day, but quite often I am alone with no real human interaction besides from when I go to the store or go to hang out with my cousin. I DO like being alone, but after a while I start to feel strange. I think the longer nights are getting to me. I'm not ready for winter. Seasonal depression always kicks my ass, and I'm really not sure how hard I can power through it all. The weather is still hot outside, but it's just going to get colder, and in turn darker too. Well. I don't want to think much anymore so I'm going to put my laptop away and go to bed.
I went fishing today. Between my and my Father, we caught nothing. The last time we went fishing was 3 years ago, and I caught 6 good sized trout. We were going to cook the fish for dinner, but since we got nothing we are having chicken curry. The weather was great, and the nature was amazing. I saw some bald eagles and lots of butterflies.
I forgot to write anything for yesterday. I hung out with my cousin yesterday, and it was really nice. Here's an update on the whole dreaming situation. I dreamed 2 dreams, but I don't remember the first. I woke up at 5 am and just kind of sat up and ate some stale chips. Then I tried to really lucid dream, because I woke up in the middle of my REM cycle. I unfortunatley didn't lucid dream, and instead dreamed I was in Paris again. I think my main issue is that I have a hard time discerning reality and my dreams, which in turn causes issues in realizing I'm dreaming and becoming lucid. Frequently I have dreams where I do things like eat the last piece of bread, or text someone, and then I think I really did it and don't realize it was a dream till I encounter it in the real world. Just last night I dreamed someone texted me, and didn't realize they didn't actually till I was already awake for a couple of hours and went to check the text.
In a few of my dreams I have thought to myself while dreaming "I think I am in a dream." but I never become lucid. I remember once I had a dream I was on some boat in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, and I remember thinking "I think I'm dreaming. I'm going to go lay in my bed and try and wake up" but I wasn't really in control, I still felt like I was watching a movie. I've been doing reality checks, and I hope I end up doing one in my dream, or I just realize I'm dreaming and become lucid. Honestly, if I started a LD through sleep paralysis or hypnagogia I would be happy too. Every once in a while I remember my hypnagogic hallucinations. One time I had sleep paralysis and I think I was going to start dreaming because I felt like I was being sucked into my bed and some voice said something like "be calm you're okay" but I was too freaked out and I woke myself up. Damn! If only I hadn't been so scared I might have lucid dreamed.
I didn't write anything yesterday, mostly because nothing even really happened. The most I did was go out to dinner and get a fishing license. Nothing really happened today either. I've really been considering getting a job though. I've looked at some stores near me to see if they're hiring. I've been trying to lucid dream again, but I can't really remember my dreams. I had a good streak where I was remembering my dreams a lot, but the past 2 days I can't remember anything. The only thing of note is I think I was beginning to have sleep paralysis, but I can't recall if it was just a dream about sleep paralysis or the actual thing. I set my alarm for 5:30 and I don't even remember waking up to turn it off.
Went on a walk and drew. That's the most exciting shit I've done all day. Happy yaoi day BTW. Might play some Minecraft later tonight, but now I'm going to go watch some shows and eat popsicles.
Headache. My package FINALLY came home. I have propped Kim and Harry up on my desk and they watch over me now. I'll attach a photo maybe. I haven't done much today either, and I had eerie dreams again. I don't quite remember them, but it had something to do with an old classmate.
I REALLY LIKE THE LITTLE THINGS. There's a corner inbetween my kitchen and the stairs, I turn it quite sharp when I come across it. Every once in a while my step mom and I will be turning it at the same time, and we nearly run into eachother. I always say something like "this always happens!" and then we go on our ways. I really appreciate my step mom a great deal. I have a complicated relationship with the term family and what it means to me, but I am damn glad to have my family and I really love them. When people say stuff along the lines of "family doesn't always mean people you are related to" it is very true. It's not about who you were born from, it's more about who takes care of you and who loves you.
I honestly have not done much today. I had another strange dream, but I forgot most of the details except for the ending. I was at some kind of store and they had a Disco Elysium lego set for sale around 40 dollars. I also bought Kim and Harry cat plushies. For some reason the Harry one was just a black and white cat, it was strage. In total it all cost about 110 USD and I reluctantly bought it because I don't like spending money but I really wanted the items. Anyways, all I've done so far today is begin building a night club in the same cave the Du Bois Railway is in.
No hate in my heart but I don't always have to love.
I talked with an old friend. I think they are inebriated to some degree but it is very nice. I see them talk in this server a lot but I never really chat there. We have been friends for 3 maybe 4 years. I will read our old dms.
I'm the webmaster. I had a dream I was skiing last night and it was quite eerie and odd. We saw these abandoned train cars and I almost fell off the mountain at some point. Before that dream, I dreamed I owned a coyote that looked like a collie. So far my day has been really swell. I'm at my cousins house right now, and earlier I did some kind of scavenger hunt thing with my Dad and family friends. Honestly it was a weird experience and I don't quite know how to describe it, but it went alright. I'm thinking about Kim as USUAL and am real excited as the plushies of Kim and Harry I ordered are supposed to arrive on Tuesday. The USPS is my sworn enemy and I have issues with them more than I should, so I'm hoping it's not delayed or something stupid. When I get them I will attach pictures. I also started building some big thing in Minecraft. I built a big railway that spans over a thousand blocks. I call it the "Du Bois Highway." It ends in a lush cave and I'm going to build some buildings in it. I'll probably work on it later tonight at some point.
23:31. I have the drive home from my cousins committed to memory, but only at night. I listen to electronic music and I always say hello to the cemetary when I drive past it. I thought about the phrase "play stupid games, win stupid prizes" and it really resonates with me tonight. I'm going to play more minecraft and listen to more music. I thought about things while I drove. Mostly I thought about being one of my characters. I come up with detailed scenarios that match what I'm doing at the moment and it's great. Instead of my beat up old ass car I'm in the Stas-Rajko KK-2 on the coasts of Martinaise. I sort of feel stupid talking about this so I will hold off for now. My cousin is finally getting a pc and I am beyong excited. We are going to have a Minecraft world and already have so many ideas planned out for it.
I woke up at noon. I had a dream in which I was on a cruise ship. I was off shore and at my mothers house for some reason with my step brother. I didn't remember what time the ship was going to leave port and I was waiting for him so we could go back. My dad then texted this picture of a siamese cat, and he told me it was a ship cat. You know, like the ones old sailors had to catch mice and everything. ( I can tell the siamese cat was in my dream because of the Kim cat from last night. Pretty cool, huh. ) Anyways we got back to the ship and I was looking for the cat. My dad and I went to have some chocolate for some reason and I ordered a coffee and a water. Then I woke up. The day isn't done YET but I spent most of what time I have been awake sprucing up the code and I'm getting a headache from looking at a screen too long.
In retrospect I look at some of my feelings and I think to myself jesus christ this shit is autistic as hell. I'm actually fucking autistic, not how some of these 14 year olds think they are because they need to be different and don't like certain textures or something. I won't get sidetracked and I'll talk about what I was actually thinking. I saw a post about that cat with the apple and it was like "notice he is content with and without apple. a lot to learn here." And I thought to myself Yes. There is an important lesson there. I'm big on keeping my own peace. It's sometimes hard because I'm not great with confrontation and it takes a while for me to get courage to do certain things, but I know when situations aren't great and when I shouldn't be in them. I really just realized I don't have to click with everyone I meet, and the same goes for people I've known for a while too. I don't think it's great to be friends with people who don't make you feel good even if you've known them for a while. I don't HAVE to like everyone and I don't have to keep everyone around simply because of how long I've known them. What I'm struggling with is accepting that it's okay if I don't want to talk to someone anymore for no reason. In my mind there has to be a reason for why I don't want to interact with someone anymore, but I just got to accept that it's okay to not want to be around someone if I don't want to plain and simple.
21:54. My dad set up the telescope and the most adventure I've had for the day was a trip to the store. I like solitude. I'm craving spaghetti but my stomach aches from eating too many whoppers. I'm going to spend the rest of my night playing video games and lounging in bed.
19:33 I SAY THAT THIS IS COMPLETE FOR THE TIME BEING. JULY 24TH 2024.
I listen to the Disco Elysium sound track once again and feel the pit in my stomach develop. It's a good feeling. My feet tingle from having my legs crossed for too long. Sensation is GOOD. Feeling is GOOD. I love my freinds and family dearly. Tonight I hope I dream about something good.
The prospect of getting a job is being brought up more and more. I'm conflicted. I need to get one, I need to grow up, but I also don't really want one. All I hope is that I can work somewhere somewhat peaceful. It's WEIRD growing up. I don't consider myself to have an age in the most normal way possible, if that's even possible. I feel like once I start working I'll never stop, and part of me doesn't want my days of doing nothing to go away. I don't want to grow up! But I also do! Deep deep down I feel like getting a job will mean that my childhood is officially ending and I hate it. But there is also so much ahead of me. But I can't let go!!!! I'm going to have to. I will 'grow up' but I'm always going to be the same. I'm always going think the same and breathe the same and I'll never give up my interests. Even when I'm, say, 50 and I work a good job I'll still deep down like the things I do now. It'll still be me.
I look at adults and I think "that is the same person that was also 5 once and they still have the same brain, albeit matured. Everyone's a child. All of us have a childs brain but we live the lives of people who aren't children. That provides some comfort to me. I hope that this website will be up for as long as it can. I hope I'll be 50 and I'll come here and scroll down and read all of this, just like how I intend to do with my physical journals. Archival purposes, yes.
It's now 23:54. I can't always gaurentee that I will write here frequently, let alone everyday. I have a bad habit of not writing things when I want to or should, but I am getting better at that. I think that I can access this site with ease at any given point will help. I'm beginning to feel and think things and I remind myself don't make life decisions or think too hard past 9 pm. Do you know I really love my friends? I really do. I have 5 friends. Two are in real life. I don't talk to one of them much. I have 3 online friends. Two of them I talk to every day and one I don't talk to much very often and it sometimes makes me sad. I tried to talk to someone in real life again but I don't think it's working out. They're nice but we just don't really click and that's okay. I have a hard time being real. I really do. I don't know how to explain it.
I'm a little afraid to write everything in my mind down because if I'm being honest I don't like people knowing what I'm truly deeply thinking. I feel shame and regret when I open up sometimes.
I think I might replay Disco Elysium again.
An image I edited, and the Kim cat I have in my Kim museum. I may put more images of it at a later date, it's pretty cool.
It's technically the 25th now. It's 1:53 and I'm laying in my bed with my shit laptop on my lap while I listen to music that makes me feel weird and numb like I'm at the bottom of a pool. I read all of this guys neocities. I think the site was called metamorphasis or something, but it was great. He wrote about lots of topics and it felt nice to read about his miserable life. I say his life was miserable because he said that in his own words pretty much. The whole thing spanned over multiple years and at the end of it he wrote about being in love with some girl. Anyways, I really liked reading it. I like to take a peek into peoples lives and their minds. Now my arm aches and I really should sleep. I took my medicine and I'm waiting for it to really start kicking in so I can try and sleep. Sometimes when I'm about to fall asleep I hallucinate. It's perfectly normal to hallucinate just before you sleep, but most people aren't aware and don't remember so it doesn't scare them. But for me, when I try and sleep at night when my mind is still active I hallucinate. I've seen my cousin dancing on the edge of my bed, a bundle of those tinsel looking balloons at dollar stores in the middle of my room, scary figures, and most funnily just a PNG of the Hancock Funko. Just 2 nights ago I saw the scary figure. My mind wasn't tired but my body was, and I opened my eyes and I saw this weird pair of eyes looking back and then it melted into a weird figure and I bolted up. It's not shit your pants nightmare kind of scary, but it's startling and I don't like it. I really don't like staying up late. There's nobody to talk to and the world feels weird, but I don't know why I do it. I think it's just easier to stay up late rather than go to bed early and get up at a normal time. One time, during the winter of this year I really liked talking to this one guy from Germany and I would wake up at 2 or 3 am sometimes to talk to him. But usually he was at school at that time so I was just kind of awake real early. I like being up early actually. I feel productive and I personally think it's great. I hear people say they like to stay up late because they can be alone and it's peaceful and whatever edgy stuff. But I think it's the reverse. Every edgy teenager stays up real late and thinks to themself they are alone and deep dark. But no! If you really want to be alone and really have some peace you have to wake up at 2 or 3 or 4 am. Not a lot of people are awake at that time and the only people who wake up at 5 am are average joes who get ready to go to work. The only downside is you have to go to sleep early, or else you will be tired as hell. I once went out at 5 am in some random city and it was great. I went to a gas station and I just walked around. The same day at a later time I got locked out of my hotel room and it was some big deal and I was so lucky I didn't get locked out when I went out early in the morning, otherwise things wouldn't have been pretty. My mother would have killed me.
I'm real sorry I wrote so much. When it's late I just like to write till I can't no more. If anyones reading this, you don't have to read that. You don't have to read any of this ever. But if you are that means a lot to me. Though it means a whole lot more if I don't know you and you're reading this. I'm even more just some guy on the internet if you know nothing.